


Always and Forever

by DramaticNia



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Break Up, Break Up Talk, Fever, Fever Dreams, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sick Character, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29987178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticNia/pseuds/DramaticNia
Summary: One night in my dreams, I saw you leaving me,and now I live my death every moment,until you come back, and bring me back to life...
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Always and Forever

"I’m leaving."

  
Jeremy's words hang in the air like a death sentence, and Richard's blood runs cold.

  
"Jeremy? what do you- what’s wrong... what is it?"

  
Jeremy shakes his head and pecks his cigarette.

  
"This was a mistake, Richard, all of it. _We_ were a mistake. I can’t do this anymore. I have to go home."

  
"W-what do you mean- you... you can’t do this! I-I thought you were happy! I thought we were okay!"

  
Jeremy just looks at him with sad blue eyes, shaking his head solemnly before grabbing his coat and turning back towards the door.

  
Richard darts around him, takes the hand that isn’t holding the coat, and grips it imploringly.

  
"Jeremy, wait, please..." the younger man begs, "we can talk about it... we can... i-if something’s wrong, p-please just tell me... we can fix it!"

  
It’s only then that he notices that the hand he holds is empty, unadorned by the familiar silver ring that Jeremy himself bought for both of them one night in Italy and proposed to Richard with it, then slipped the smaller one into Richard's finger and the bigger one in his own.

  
But now Jeremy's ring is gone. He pulls his hand back out of Richard's grasp, looking at him with a look that is equal parts pity and disgust.

  
"There’s nothing you can do, Richard. I just _don't want you_ anymore! I can't love you, can't you understand?"

  
Richard's face is pale as a ghost now, his whole body is cold and shaking, his heart is hammering against his chest and his vision is blurred as hot tears burn his eyes.

  
"J-Jeremy... please... please don’t do this." Richard pleads.

  
He isn’t above begging. Not for this. Not for Jeremy.

  
"P-please, Jeremy... please d-don’t go, I.. I need you... a-and... I love you... s-so much... Jeremy... please... p-please d-don’t leave me.” Richard is sobbing now, hot tears running down his pale face as he cries.

  
Jeremy doesn’t even turn to face him, just yanks his hand free, causing Richard to fall on the floor, then opens the door and steps out into the hallway.

  
"Goodbye, Richard."

  
The door closes behind him, and the click of the latch echoes as it shuts, thunderous and final around the empty flat.

_He is gone._

_Jeremy is gone._

_And Richard is all alone..._

**~~~**

A sharp, guttural gasp catches in Richard's throat as he jolts awake, quickly turning into a bout of violent coughing as he struggles back to consciousness. His chest rattles and burns with each cough, each breath. He’s not sure if the deep ache is from the chest infection or the dream.

_The dream._

  
_It was a dream, right?_

  
_Just a dream._

  
_It had to be._

  
_Even though it had felt so real…_

"J-Jeremy..." he groans desperately, hoping against all hope that his fiance will walk through their bedroom door and tell him that everything is okay.

  
But nothing,

  
Nothing but silence answers his call.

  
Confusion turns to apprehension as he forces himself to sit up in bed. "Jeremy?"

  
More silence. No sound of heavy footsteps on the hardwood.

  
He must be in another room, he reasons, his mind moving sluggishly.

  
He must just not have heard him.

  
He is not gone, he can’t be gone, right?

  
Jeremy never leaves Richard.

  
He himself had promised that he will never ever leave his little hamster, no matter what.

  
With so much effort, he forces his trembling body to sit up, to swing his legs over the side of the bed and grab his phone from the bedside table. His entire body aches with each movement, his chest worst of all, but he forces himself to move nonetheless. He stumbles across the bedroom, out the door, into the hallway-

  
The empty hallway.

  
He draws in a breath to call out again, but chokes on it, launching into a bout of painful coughing that leaves him doubled over, leaning entirely against the door frame. It takes him several moments to stop coughing and catch his breath, his lungs aching with each wheezing inhalation.

  
"J-Jeremy?" his voice sounds weak and awful to his own ears, and it feels even worse, like a million hot knives stabbing him from within.

  
Still, no answer.

  
Only silence.

  
The sense of unease turns to real fear as Richard stumbles down the hall to find an empty kitchen and living room. He had been so sure that Jeremy leaving him was just a nightmare,

  
_But he’s really... he’s really gone!_

  
Jeremy's gone, and Richard's head is so fuzzy, and everything is too cold and too much and he’s terrified, because the nightmare was real after all, because Jeremy left him and he’s alone.

  
All alone.

  
"Je..remy..." his wavering voice breaks, turning into a sob. "god..."

  
He stumbles through the house again, checking every room and calling out for Jeremy between his sobs. His throat burns from the strain, but he keeps calling, keeps moving. His weak lungs can’t support the sudden burst of activity, but in his confusion and panic, he doesn’t care.

  
He eventually runs out of breath to call out, but he doesn’t stop, he can’t stop, even as everything spins around him, even as his vision blurs and his head goes light, even as the world tilts on its axis and the floor rises up to meet him.

  
He doesn’t really feel the fall, or the impact. Just a sudden shift, and then the cool wood under his cheek. He hadn’t realised before how cold the house really was.

  
Part of him, the extremely weak, exhausted, shivery part that still can’t take a full breath without triggering a painful coughing fit, wants to just stay here on the floor and drift off, to sleep the pain away. Then Jeremy's image flashes once more in his mind’s eye, that cold, harsh, loveless stare as he left, the sound of the door slamming shut behind him, and Richard's physical pain feels almost nothing in comparison to the agonising prospect of a life without Jeremy by his side...

  
He can’t do it.

  
He can’t go back to how it was before, the absurdity, the loneliness, the fears creeping in his heart, his insecurities without Jeremy to support him... He can’t go back to the fake smiles he had to present at those long hours of filming Top Gear, and that awful, cloying numbness inside. He can’t live like that. Not anymore.

  
Not after he'd experienced a life with Jeremy's love towards him...

  
And certainly not after Jeremy had shattered the secure walls he himself had unknowingly built up around Richard to protect and shelter him fro the outside world. Jeremy who had shown Richard love and so much happiness. Who Richard had loved _\- who he loves -_ more than anything or anyone in the world.

  
His pride, his health, his pain, his exhaustion, they’re all insignificant. Their relationship is more important than any of that, too important to let it slip away. Richard can’t allow himself to just lay here, as much as he might want to, as much as his body aches for rest.

 _  
_He has to do something.

  
_But what?_

  
Getting up is a lost cause, he quickly finds out. He’s so weak he can only barely manage to push himself up to a sitting position before slumping back against the wall, exhausted.

  
How is he supposed to find Jeremy and talk things through when even just sitting up leaves him trembling and gasping for breath?

  
His phone!

  
The answer drifts slowly to his fever-fogged brain, and he thanks his lucky stars that he thought to grab it on the way out of the bedroom. If he can just talk to Jeremy, he knows they can work things out. Whatever he did wrong, he can fix it, he can do whatever it is that Jeremy wants, he can be more, he can give his whole to Jeremy, he can change himself into anything that Jeremy wants, he just needs to talk to him and everything will be okay...

  
Providing Jeremy answers his phone, that is.

  
He pauses as he shakily enters the passcode.

  
_What if-_

  
_What if Jeremy has decided to shut Richard out completely? What if he’s screening his calls?_

  
The thought brings tears to his eyes again and he tries desperately to muffle his sobs, to swallow the new lump in his throat before it triggers another coughing fit.

  
Trembling hands finish unlocking the phone and seek out Jeremy's name in his contacts. He holds it up to his ear, trying to suppress his sobs so he can hear if Jeremy picks up.

_"Please leave a message after the tone!"_

All of his resolve to hold back his tears crumbles, and-

_"Beeeep!"_

He shatters.

  
"J-Jere..m-my..." he sobs, his voice quiet, broken, pathetic, "Jeremy, p-please... come ba..ck... c-come home... wha-whatever that happened, w-whatever I did, I-I won’t do it a-again... I-I promise... I’m s-so sorry, Jeremy, I-I just… I j-just w-want you to come h-home. I n-nneed you to.. come home, p-please... I l-love you, Jeremy... p-please d-don’t go…"

  
He loses his train of thought, sobbing out apologies and pleas until the voicemail hits its time limit and disconnects him automatically. Then he lets his phone slide out of his shaking fingers where it clatters against the hardwood as he cries, hard sobs interrupted every so often by fits of painful coughs.

  
He lets his body slump down on the floor and curls up into a fetal position on his side.

  
He is so wrapped up in utter, all-encompassing misery that he nearly misses the buzz of his phone vibrating on the floor several minutes later. Through the blur of hot tears and delirium he sees Jeremy's name and picture flashing on the screen and scrambles to answer the call with shaking hands.

  
"J-Jeremy?" he sobs out, red-rimmed eyes wide in disbelief as he lifts the phone to his ear with both his uncontrollably shaking hands. "Jeremy, I-I’m s-so sorry, p-please... please come h-home... I-I’ll do a-anything-"

  
"Richard? God, Richard slow down. I can hardly hear you!" Jeremy says, his voice firm but concerned, "I just got your message! What's happened Rich? Are you okay?"

  
"I-I... I..." Richard mumbles but his voice breaks with another sob. "I-I’m so s-sorry, Jeremy."

  
"Sorry?" Jeremy pauses as if he's pondering, "What the- Richard. Richard listen to me, you don’t have anything to apologise for, okay? _Nothing._ Now tell me baby, What's happened? Are you hurt?"

"I..." he wracks his fever-fogged brain, trying to come up with an answer and drawing a blank.

  
_What did happen?_

  
_Jeremy had never said why he was leaving-_

  
_Or had he?_

  
Richard's thoughts are slipping by so fast... and he wanted to cry again.

  
_Was that why Jeremy left?_

  
_Had he forgotten something important?_

  
"I-I d-don’t know... I don't know, J-Jeremy... I’m s-so sorry..." Richard bursts into tears again, crying and clutching the phone to his ear like a lifeline, "I.. I-I'll do better... I’ll b-be better... I'll be h-however that y-you want, I-I'll do wha-whatever that you want, I p-promise, Jeremy, please... I-I’m sorry-"

  
"Richard, God, Richard, Richard," Jeremy is at the verge of panicking now, and he sounds very distressed, "it’s alright, baby, it's all right. You don’t need to apologise for anything, just breathe, okay? Just breathe with me."

  
Breathing with Jeremy is far easier said than done. Each inhalation is wheezy and painful, and it feels like he’s breathing through a plastic straw half the time. But he forces himself to match Jeremy's staticky breaths over the phone despite the discomfort.

  
He has to prove to Jeremy that he can be better. He has to convince him that he’s worth coming home for.

  
"Richard, are you with me?"

  
Richard is silent.

  
"Please answer me, Richard. God, are you okay? I'm-" panic is now evident in Jeremy's voice.

  
"N-no..." the younger man's late response is more a sob than a word.

  
"What’s wrong, Rich? Are you hurt?" Jeremy's almost out of breathe. Richard can tell Jeremy is trying to calm himself down.

  
"I-I don’t know.... I-I thought... I thought w-we were okay, b-but... but you... you left."

  
"Yes! Yes baby, I went out to get medicine, remember? I’m at the pharmacy now."

  
There's a long pause...

  
"Y-you are... what?"

  
"Didn’t you see my note, you little idiot?"

  
Richard blinks blearily, looking around, "I-I d-don’t… I can’t see a-a note…"

  
"You can’t see- wait!" Jeremy gasps, "Richard, where are you right now?"

  
"I-in the hall... o-on the floor."

  
"What? For the love of God, Richard! Why the bloody hell aren’t you in the bed?"

  
Richard flinches at Jeremy's tone, "Y-you left... y-you were gone, a-and I couldn’t... I-I couldn’t find you..."

  
"Fuck." Jeremy hisses, "Did you fall? Did you hit your head on anything, Richard?" Jeremy asked, sounding extremely frantic.

  
"N-no, I-I don’t..." Richard hesitates, "I-I don't think so..."

  
Jeremy curses under his breath, and Richard's heart leaps in fear, "I-I'm sorry, Jeremy-"

  
"No," Jeremy replies a bit harshly, then takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, "No, hamster, you didn’t do anything wrong... Just, just stay where you are, okay? I’ll be there in a few minutes."

  
Richard's breath hitches, triggering a stab of pain in his chest that he barely even notices. "Y-you... you-you’re coming home?" he asks in disbelief.

  
"Yes. Yes, Richard. I’m checking out now and I’ll head home right away."

  
"Y-you’re…" Tears run down Richard's cheeks again, and a sob bubbles up in his throat. "o-oh god..."

  
"Richard?"

  
"Th-thank you, Jeremy, thank you s-so much, I-I... I s-swear I-I’ll do better, w-we can w-work this out.. together, I-I promise... I l-love you, Jeremy."

  
"I love you too, baby!" Jeremy responds, worry only barely masked. "Now listen, Richard. I’m going to have to hang up soon. I’m only a few streets away but it’ll be easier for me to drive with the highest speed if I’m not on the phone. Is that okay? I’ll only be gone for a few minutes."

  
 _No,_ he thinks. "y-yes." he forces himself to say.

  
"Okay, baby. I’ll be right there. I love you Richard, okay?"

  
"O-okay." Richard sniffles, nodding to himself, "I-I love you too."

  
Richard drops his phone back on the floor when the call disconnects and lays his head back against the wall, exhausted, tears still streaming down his face.

  
His head swims and his chest aches as he sits there. The floor is so hard beneath him, he feels cold and the way he’s leaning against the wall hurts his back. He wishes he were back in bed under his soft duvet... but he promised Jeremy he wouldn’t move. He promised him, and he can’t break his promise, not when Jeremy's only just forgiven him, not when he’s finally coming home.

  
He won’t squander this second chance, no. He’ll stay right here and wait.

  
Besides, he thinks, he’s so weak and hazy he doesn’t think he could stand up on his own even if he wanted to.

And when he hears the key turn in the lock several minutes later, Richard's heart swells.

  
"J-Jeremy?"

  
The door clicks open and closes quickly. Richard hears quick feet thumping on the hardwood...

  
And then Jeremy slides around the corner in a full sprint, dropping to his knees in front of Richard, who wastes no time in throwing his arms around Jeremy's neck and clutches the taller man's shirt in his trembling hands.

  
"J-Jeremy," he sobs, breathing in the older man's scent as best as he can.

  
"Shhh... It's okay, it's okay Richard," Jeremy murmurs as he wraps Richard's small body tightly in his arms, "I'm here now. I'm right here."

  
He lets Richard cling to him for a while before gently pulling back, reaching out a hand and brushing Richard's sweaty bangs off his forehead. He winces as soon as his hand makes contact with the burning skin. "Bloody hell, Richard, you're burning up!"

  
Richard ignores his words, instead he grabs Jeremy's larger hand and holds it up in front of his eyes. His whole body sags with relief when he sees the ring still on Jeremy's finger, a real, tangible proof that it was all just a horrible dream. Jeremy just watches his fiance worriedly before bringing Richard's smaller hands up to his lips, kissing the graceful hands gently.

  
"Come on, hamster, let's get you into bed first," Jeremy says, crouching down to put one of his hands under Richard's kneecaps and the other around his middle to lift him up, then bridal-style carries him to their bedroom and deposits Richard gently onto the bed.

  
"Stay here, Rich, I'm going to go find the thermometer..."

  
As Jeremy stands up to leave, Richard's small hand shoots out from under the covers with surprising speed, catching Jeremy's wrist.

  
"Don't go," Richard pleads, big puppy eyes still fever-bright.

  
Jeremy's heart sinks. He leans down and gives his fiance a kiss on the forehead, "I'm just going to the other room, hamster. I'll be right back."

  
Richard nods, sighs and very hesitantly let's go of Jeremy's hand.

  
Jeremy returns with the thermometer and gently moves the duvet off of Richard. The younger man groans weakly, but shifts a little, giving Jeremy access to take his temperature.

  
"Oh, you poor little hamster," Jeremy sighs moments later, withdrawing the thermometer from his mouth. "You’re 102.9! How did you even get out of bed like this?"

  
"I-I was s-scared," Richard says quietly and simply, "I... I dreamt y-you’d left me, a-and when I woke up..."

  
Richard breaks off, lost in his thoughts again, and Jeremy sits on the edge of the bed and holds Richard's soft small hands in his.

  
"Richard," Jeremy sighs. "You know that I'd never ever leave you, right?"

  
"I..." He hesitates, blurry gaze focused on his own pale skinny hands kept firmly in Jeremy's big warm ones. "y-yes, I know."

  
And he does know. Really, he does! Jeremy has assured him times and times again that he’s not going anywhere, in the past 6 years, after all those awful times they went through together... Still, there’s that nagging doubt, that ever-present fear that rears its head in his loneliest, most vulnerable moments. The fear that someday, Jeremy will leave him too. That someday, Jeremy will see him as others do: broken, too much and never enough, a mistake... and that Jeremy will easily find a better and more beautiful person instead of him...

  
And he’ll be alone again...

  
"Hey, no, no no no, don't you dare overthink, Richard! Look at me," Jeremy's gentle but decisive tone cuts through his thoughts, and he cups the younger man's delicate face with his big hands, waits until Richard's red-rimmed tired eyes meet his before continuing, "You’re the most beautiful person I've ever met, Richard! In and out! You’re the love of my life! Since the very moment I saw you, my grey life became colourful! And believe me, there is nothing you could do that would make me leave you, or love you any less, okay?"

  
Richard, unable to speak, just swallows hard and nods.

  
"Good," Jeremy says and kisses the top of Richard's head lingeringly, "Now you should try to get some sleep, hamster," he suggests, gently rubbing Richard's soft cheeks with his thumbs.

  
"W-will you stay with me?"

  
"Of course," Jeremy whispers with a reassuring tone and gets up, "God, of course I'd stay, Richard!" He says as he circles the bed to lay down next to his fiance, "I’ll stay as long as you need me."

  
"Forever, then." Richard mumbles, burying his face in the warm, safe haven of Jeremy's chest and allowing his eyes to slip shut.

  
Jeremy smiles as he wraps his arms around Richard's small figure and runs his fingers through the younger man's soft hair, "Forever."

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm just posting this here without second thoughts... 😅  
> Um... Yeah! That's it. Hope you enjoyed 😘  
> And please let me know what you think about it ~ ♥


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